And wait while holding my breath
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Due to a mishap, Watanuki's been ordered to not return to Yuuko's place! Will Watanuki be able to fix a problem that even Yuuko can't handle?


**fandom - XXXHolic**  
 **title - and wait while holding my breath.**  
 **rating - g**  
 **pairing - yuuko + watanuki**  
 **Description – Due to a mishap, Watanuki's been ordered to not return to Yuuko's place?! Will Watanuki be able to fix a problem that even Yuuko can't handle?**

 **Disclaimer – XXXHolic is a title I love, so I write for it. It's not mine, but Clamp's.**

3 tablespoons of salty tears  
4 tablespoons of sugary smiles

1/2 cup of trust  
1/3 cup of honesty  
1/5 cup of sarcasm  
1/4 cup of loyalty  
1/3 cup of egocentrism  
2/3 cup of patience

2 cups of determination

5 cups of love.  
1/4 1 cup of hate (you should oppose me a little, protesting is fun)

A handful of mixed nuts.

Optional – red coloring for embarrassed cheeks

I'll think of other things later, but for now,  
this is my recipe of you.

 **And wait while holding my breath.  
By miyamoto yui**

 _/"What's this?!"_

The dark-eyed beauty of a spell-caster instantly stood up with a line for lips and darted a menacing look towards her servant boy. The fudge droplets fell down one side of her mouth and dripped onto her chest, making a small stain on her skin and her cerulean mesh halter top. It was frustrating that she reacted so adversely at the first taste of the new ice cream cookie cake the teenager had made for her.  
But she couldn't help it.

She gulped, but no one noticed as they all focused on her squinting eyes. They zoned down on their target like a sniper ready for an open-air assassination.

The usually lazy woman didn't have anything to say and it wasn't because she wanted to save energy and effort. It was something much more cruel than that word humans used called kibou - 'hope', or what those of her kind used commonly, hitsuzen - 'fate'.

Even with all her power, she couldn't change this.  
What was this aching irritation called?

The boy hadn't noticed yet that she stopped breathing as he looked at her helplessly. He had known that it wasn't the best thing he'd ever made, but why was she so upset? Why was Yuuko, the laziest person in the whole universe (the same person who could evaporate whole oceans for the right price) showing such strong emotion for a slight mistake he'd made?  
So, it was a little strong on the sweet side. Didn't he warn her that he was experimenting since she wanted something surprising with ice cream on these hot summer days?

But for someone who loved really sweet snacks, why was she this angry? She'd forgiven him for much worse tasting things and harsher mistakes. And all the same, she'd eat it with that little smirk of satisfaction that assured him he'd done a good job nonetheless. It relieved him a bit since she was always so demanding.

She wasn't one to waste food, though.

The way she now held her chin up and looked down at him was overbearing, save pointing a finger to say how low she thought of him for the moment. She didn't even touch him on the chin as she usually did when she teased him while explaining something he should have known.  
Not today, though.

Today, she had that frigid expression and tone that was even more spiteful than hate whenever she described the folly of humans. His eyes were transfixed on her distant ones as she sighed inwardly.

This was the most disappointing meal he'd ever made for her, and she couldn't tell him as bluntly as she could have. The words simply refused to come out because they were too heavy to move her tongue with, and more so, her supposedly nonexistent heart.

Spells, after all, were made by the movement of the tongue into a string of incantations.  
So, words of communication were deadlier because they could be mutually understood by the speaker and the listener, even if there was much room for misinterpretation.

"Until you figure out what your problem is, don't even think of stepping into this house, Watanuki!" She got up as the bowl with the chocolate chip and fudge covered cake tipping to one side, staining the floor.

"Yuuko-san!" Watanuki shouted as she turned to walk away from him and towards the hallway. "I'm sorry!"

She stopped at the sound of the apology, but put her hands on her hips. Her bare back was still facing him. However, her head slightly moved downwards with the tiny braids in her ponytail lowering and he assumed she was trying to focus on the ceiling.

"You don't even know what you're apologizing for. Pick a subject next time,

Boy _."_

Before he could pick anything up, her two adorable assistants pushed his back with both of their hands. With frowns on their faces, they threw him out of the house before he could blink.

"Boy," he mimicked to himself as he walked out onto the sidewalk to watch her house from the outside.

It wasn't said with one smack of friendly sarcasm, but a slap of an icy reality he couldn't grasp. It wasn't a pet nickname, but an indication that you meant nothing because she didn't claim you with a name.  
You were identified as 'no one' in her vocabulary.

He laughed while running his fingers nervously through his hair. Could it have meant something else? Wasn't he a little harsh on himself?

But Watanuki shook his head. "No. You wouldn't have said it that way."  
He knew her more than he wanted to admit. And that hurt just a little bit./

"I…don't get it," he told himself as he stayed behind for clean-up duty a week since the incident. He continued to sweep the classroom floor as earnestly as always to distract himself, but his heart just wasn't in it today.

Yuuko's words weren't what he was moping about.

What disturbed him was the look in her eyes of what she _couldn't_ say to him.

It was as if she held herself back. As far as he had known her, her indulgent nature never repressed itself out of shame or consideration for others. And especially not for him, the object of her ruthless mockery-er, teasing.  
For him, as much as he wanted to deny it, Yuuko felt like a lost childhood friend he'd gotten in touch with after so long. It was strange, but the way she treated him was more like a sarcastic affection that grew on him in some strange way, like the most fragrant flower growing in the desert.

Unconsciously, it was unexpectedly something he'd grown to imagine not living without.

He recalled the very thing he had been thinking while cooking: "Just what _am_ I to that woman? She always abuses me and whenever I want to get away, I just can't bring myself to leave, even with that contract. What the hell is wrong with me?"  
These words were the very ingredients of doubt that had somehow found themselves in that dish that day.

And, it felt like something had left him that day, so a part of himself was missing.

Almost everyone was gone by the time he finished dusting the erasers outside the classroom window. He then took up his bag to go to the bathroom so he could wash his hands of the dusty chalk. He was also tired of thinking of Yuuko's icy voice telling him to leave. It was worse than being hated by the person who loved you the most in the world. His mind began to wander towards the question of Himawari-chan ever hating him and if he could ever live through that.

Before he could answer himself, he'd been distracted. When he stepped outside the bathroom, there was a girl waving at him from one classroom at the other side of the hallway. "Watanuki-kun~!"  
That would have been fine and all, but when he walked closer, he saw that half of her see-through body was sticking out of the closed, beige classroom door. He adjusted his glasses as any calm ghost seer would.

"How'd you know my name?"

She smiled even wider as she took his hand to open the door together.

"Whoa, I can feel you," he said with a shocked voice while his face twitched out of slight fear at the current sitation. But one thing was definitely true: Her hands were very, very warm. She was inviting and he wasn't scared of her at all.  
It felt very comfortable as if trying out the apron in Yuuko's house and she told him from behind, "Just right" with a snicker. (He had sulked on that one.)

"Why did that come to mind?" he thought to himself as the thin, cute girl cut off his train of thought when she said, "Cook with me! I know it'll make you feel better."  
His heart sank as he closed the door they'd just come through and leaned on it. He let go of her hand as she folded both of hers while looking at him directly, honestly, and attentively.

"I usually do, but I don't think it'll do anything today."

Why the hell was he telling this to a wandering spirit?

She unclasped her hands and chuckled. The baby-faced, red-cheeked girl patted his cheeks. "Now I know why people laughed at me."  
"Excuse me?" One side of his glasses slipped.  
Shaking her head, she gave him an amused expression while trying to give and hold back a smile at the same time. "You are of the kind that touches everything and everything touches you. That's why spirits have always been attracted to you."  
"Really? I've been trying to runaway from them," he mumbled. He wanted to pull away, but her face came a bit closer as she gave him very serious eyes. He couldn't seem to pull away, like whenever Yuuko insisted that he'd love to drop everything that day to spend the entire day doing rounds with her in the city.

"Unlike other people and in contrast to what you may think, you aren't unclear with your feelings."

He sighed impatiently. "Why are you telling me all this?"

"I want you to cook for my sake."  
"Why should I have to do that for you?" he asked her while looking at her critically when she pulled away from him and stepped twice backwards to give some distance between them.  
"You'll have your problem solved while we're cooking. I know it! It'll work out for both of us."  
He raised his eyebrow and what did this girl have in mind? "How does this work for 'both of us'?"  
"You cook, right? I could tell by your hands because I've been watching you from time to time! If you didn't, I would have left you alone, but you do! And cooking's no fun if you just do it for yourself all the time, so please do it for me! You can talk to me on what's on your mind while I tell you what to do and then we'll find out that cooking'll do something today!"

"You sure are spunky."  
She wasn't making any sense now, but as he sighed, annoyed a little, he shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, why not?"  
It wasn't as if he had anything else to do at the moment. Having so much free time was almost a little boring and allthemore uneventful. When did he start missing all the inane arguments with that woman?

Certainly, he wasn't going to look for another job since he wanted to get his former one back. But how? Watanuki wasn't sure of that part yet.

It made him feel just slightly pathetic. Was he actually m-missing that bizarre house?

The girl bowed from her waist down as her black hair fell before her. It touched the ground because it was so long. She did it so that she could shadow the tears that were in her eyes.  
She thought if only he could recognize what was before him…

"I can't move on until I make someone my secret dessert."

When she got up, he finally understood the meaning behind all the burned edges all over her dusty uniform.

"I burned the kitchen many years ago when I went to school here." She pointed at the ceiling and various parts of the immaculate, white room full of wooden counters and ovens all in a row. "But you can't tell now, can you?"  
Her smile became a tainted with a little bittersweetness and blue.

At that moment, he rolled up his sleeves and nodded his head. Without a word, they left side-by-side.

They went to a local supermarket and bought all the necessary ingredients. Afterwards, they went to his home to make the dessert that had cost the girl her entire life.

And yet, the simple recipe wasn't going right. It wasn't as sweet as it should have been and after all they'd talked about, nothing clicked inside his head.

"We've done it two times already," he said while wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. "What's wrong, Erika?"  
Erika nodded her head and sighed. She patted his heart. "You're confused here. It's coming out there."  
Her finger pointed at their project on the dining table.

"I'm sorry. I'm really trying my best." He sighed and clenched his fists.  
She patted his shoulder. "I know you are and that's okay. Please try again one more time."  
"I wonder if this is what she's telling me." He turned around to go to the sink to wash his hands for another round.

"Who?"  
"Yuuko-san."  
Even though he couldn't see it, the girl grinned and patted his shoulder again.

Then, both of her arms hugged him from behind. She squeezed him tightly and he froze.  
He still wasn't used to being touched by girls, or at least anyone except his tormentor Yuuko who loved to tickle his left side under his rib.

"Relax, Watanuki-kun. Focus on just finishing this as if you're going to give this to Yuuko-san. Maybe that will help."  
"That…that woman…" he mumbled with a pout that wanted to hide his embarrassment at his flustered feelings towards her.

Erika let go and giggled.

They started once again, but this time, Erika was guiding his hands with her own. Watanuki kept his eyes on the ingredients while she instructed him with her deep voice.  
"Eggs…" he said and nodded absentmindedly. "Sugar…"

"And there's one more thing."

"What? I even wrote it all down twice! What's not here?" Watanuki panicked as he read the list once again.  
Erika shook her head, took the list from his hands and ripped it.

"What are you-"  
"You've already memorized the recipe. Now, lay your palms out."  
He did as she said. She made a repeated circling motion with her thumb against her index and middle fingers.  
"What are you doing?!" He blinked at her in disbelief. "Have you gone crazy?"  
"Yes. That isn't anything new." She sighed. "But this won't work unless you figure out what this is."  
He blinked at her more.  
"Watanuki!" she shouted and he took a step back at the strength of the feelings in her voice.

"I gave my life to make this for someone and you have absolutely no clue what this is?!"  
Nonchalantly, he looked at his palm and then at an irate Erika. "It's air."  
"No! Don't you understand now? This is what Yuuko-san wants you to realize."

Watanuki closed his eyes. He wasn't going to cry at the gnawing frustration that had plagued him for days or let his heart become more eaten away than it already had because of what happened.

"If you don't understand, I'll be stuck here regretting and you'll never be complete. You won't ever go back home."

"Complete? Home?"

What was she talking about? And when had that place become his home? When had all the familiarities taken several spaces within his tired heart?

And then, he said it again with a little certainty. "Home."

There was a spark in his eyes and Erika was grinning widely.

He looked her straight in the eye and a smile crept onto his face as he looked down at the substance in his hand. It was the heaviest and lightest thing in the world…

"Home!"

Erika nodded her head eagerly as he put the mysterious substance into the slowly bubbling pot. He put even more in of his own. He was just too embarrassed to say the name of the obvious…  
As she rubbed his back, she said, "Thank you."

He watched her fade away as the warmth in her touch was fading on his back, but inserting itself inside of his chest. "Thank you too."  
And, strangely, he felt he regained that 'missing piece'.

Watanuki was sad to see her go though.  
When he finished the dessert, he wrapped it in foil and went out for a walk. It was already very late, but what was he going to do with it?  
"You never told me who to give it to, Erika-san."

His feet led him to that house he said he wanted to runaway from. The same one he said made him their slave with a possibility of never finding freedom. The one that held all those odd objects and the strange people who used them as if they were the most common things on Earth.

His heart felt as if a knife had been taken out, but the pressure was left behind. The cut made had begun to heal after he arrived on this doorstep.

A place he always wanted to belong in: Somewhere where there were always smiles, even if it was noisy.

"How long do you plan to stand there, you baka?" Yuuko had her arms crossed and a long, black dress which was supposed to be her pajamas. It seemed as if she was covering more at night than the day. Watanuki sweatdropped. He'd never, ever, ever understand her.

He came towards her and when he closed the front door, she already greedily took off the foil cover. She held the clear pan in her hands and tilted her head. "Isn't this a bit plain for your taste?"

"You're always so ungrateful-"

"How did you know these were my favorite?" She looked down at the perfectly shaped strawberries dipped perfectly into homemade dark chocolate. Her eyes didn't look away from what was in her hands.

"Your what?" He made an incredulous face. "Something simple like that is your favorite?!"

Yuuko laughed.  
She hadn't given such a wholehearted laugh in a very long time. It was as if one mask cracked and fell to the ground before her, cut away by the boy in front of her.

 _"I never want to become human. Their emotions are all so tiresome and erratic. It's exhausting!"_ She remembered saying this to someone once.

When her gleaming eyes turned towards him, she said, "Thank you."  
Then, she laughed devilishly. "And this is ALL MINE!"

"Hey wait!" Watanuki shouted while trying to get one. "You have to share with everyone!"  
"They're all sleeping." She said matter-of-factly.  
"It took me half a day to make those and you won't let me try one?!"  
"You're an idiot for not trying one before you gave it to me!"  
"Because I was so focused on giving everything to you!"

She stopped for a moment and glimpsed at his intense expression. He grabbed one strawberry and accidentally squeezed it so the chocolate got all over his hand.  
Yuuko, for the second time in her life, was caught off-guard.

"You can think what you want, Watanuki," she said with her eyes downcast while she smiled a bit as if in an instant nostalgic moment.

Shamelessly, she took his hand and licked the chocolate off his pinky.

He stood there motionless, burning red from embarrassment. But he was happy at her excited expression as she ate in front of him.

 _"Because their time is short, they think forever is a long time. But when you live immortally, cursed to never age with those around you, everything is incredibly slow. Everything becomes bland because there is no passion to motivate the fire of a spontaneous touch."_  
Yes, that was what she said to the that person…

"You should always cook for me, Boy," she said with an enigmatic smile.  
It was the same thing she had told someone a lifetime ago…

 _/We were fighting in front of my house._

"You shouldn't waste your time here," I said with a scalding tone that wouldn't attach a burn to the listener.  
"I'm not! I will make you something that you'll love more than anything anyone's ever given in exchange!"  
"What is your problem? What do you want from me?" I asked, annoyed. "Didn't we already finish our exchange?"  
"For this, I want _**nothing**_ _. Why can't you ever understand that?"  
"Your human emotions are clouding your judgment and what's in nature itself. There's an equivalent to everything. You can't possibly want nothing."  
The person shouted with tears and hands holding onto my sleeves. "I thought you knew everything, but even you don't know what the future brings."  
"What does this have to do with? With your wish?" I just couldn't understand what this child was trying to tell me.  
"I gave you my most prized possession in exchange for reincarnation. To guarantee that I see the person I loved over and over again."  
I touched my neck and clenched it with eyes that I wished would turn this person away before they recognized anything more. "And I have the choker right here."  
"Even if I have to do this over and over until the end of time, I will make you understand. I will be a better person each time I come back to you."  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
"Love."  
"And how will you do that?"  
"Through the dessert I'll make for you, you'll see it's tangible form."  
I shook my head while blinking my eyes in frustration._

"Yuuko-san, I made this wish for you since you could never make wishes for yourself. Isn't that why you collect all that 'junk'?"

So, I waited, like always.

Each day, I waited for whatever treat you were going to give me out of these deepening 'emotions' you tried to say were wonderful when all I saw was destruction.

But that day, almost seventeen years ago today, you never showed up with what you promised me.

All that was left was a burned kitchen.

And here I thought that person didn't hear me through all those mean words, the ones that I tried to push you away with.  
With a grave voice, I lifted your body tenderly into my arms. "Maybe I was exactly like them after all. I want everything."

I was a bit remorseful. I didn't know how to cry by then because I'd been desensitized to humans until you came along.  
All I could do was watch the funeral from a distance.

And wait while holding my breath. /

When her tongue let go of his finger, he looked at her with an even brighter, red face.

People do things out of affection mixed with obsessive tendencies.  
People do things out of violence with harmful wishes.

But the witch knew that from the first time she tasted his cooking, it was very familiar because it was only one of its kind. She wanted to eat more and more of it not to make sure, but to overindulge in what she had been missing all these years.

And it made her smile even though she smirked to drive him crazy. It was all to pretend that he didn't understand anything at all when it was she who wanted to cover her distinctive faults.

Love has its own sweetness, it seems.

She had eaten this same dish by a number of people from all over different universes. And though they were all done well, they weren't ever the same.  
And even if she never got to try Erika's last dish for her, she had a hint of what it could taste like.

Yes, there was no doubt about the taste.  
It was made by the same soul that had charmed her out of that person's silly, amusing notions.

And it turned out sweeter and richer than she had ever expected.

"How old are you again, Watanuki?" she chuckled while taking a small bite from the pointed, chocolate covered tip of the strawberry.  
When he opened his mouth to answer, she fed him the rest of that strawberry.

Exhausted at finding that embarrassing, silly secret ingredient, he watched her innocently and didn't even try to protest anymore.

Well, at least not for today.

 **Owari.**  
 **-**  
 **Author's note:** It took me about 40 mins. to figure out what series to do and then something popped out of nowhere. And so, this was what became of that single thought: a sweet mouth.

But as I went along outlining the plot in my head, it became more and more complicated. I had to think of the clothes, the feelings, and the kinds of twists for the specific lessons presented in the XXXHolic arcs. That's why I love doing this series even if it's just once a year. The challenge of trying capture these Clamp characters while bringing out a literary design to the visual stimulation you get from reading XXXHolic really gives me the high I need as an adrenaline junkie. *laughs* (Challenges are my way of life.)

Maybe I've delved into their feelings more than the manga does, but this is my representation of them. * smiles * I wanted to make this more twisted, but I guess nice and sweet works!

So, I presented this to you and hope that you have enjoyed the pretzel road of feelings I've paved for thee.

Love,  
yui

Wednesday, June 15, 2005  
01:11:12


End file.
